The other day I spoke to a girl called
Jess, who told me she wasn't a feminist. When I asked her why she
said: “Because I just want to have kids and be a stay-at-home mum”.
Now these things are not by any stretch
of the imagination mutually exclusive. Just because feminism fights
for women's right to work and earn their own money does not mean that
those things are also enforced. It doesn't mean that if a woman
doesn't aim for these things, or doesn't end up achieving them, that
she is any less of an awesome human being. It doesn't mean she's 'let
the side down'. In fact, I always kind of thought that feminism was
about not telling women what
they should be doing with their lives. If there's a misconception
that women who want to devote their lives to raising children aren't
being 'good enough feminists' then that is wrong, and it should be
addressed.
The
whole awesome, feminist thing about what Jess said (although she
possibly didn't realise it) was the 'want' part. When she stays at
home with her kids it's going to be a decision, not a default setting
and that certainly wasn't a freedom that women had 60 odd years ago.
That's
what all our lives should be like: decisions, not assumptions, and
that goes for men as well as women. There is absolutely no need for
the expectation that exists at the moment that if a couple decide to
have kids, it's mum who's going to give up work for the next six
years and 'set up house'. (If anyone wants to deny this happens, take
a look at Asda's most recent Christmas offering. It's like being
smacked repeatedly around the face with a fucking Cath Kidston
rolling pin with 'Know Your Place' carved into it).
Gender-enforced
expectations trap people, both male and female. That's why I'd stand
up for Jess' right to want to be a stay at home mum, but I'd also
equally stand up for my friend Joe's right to be a stay-at-home dad,
because I can almost guarantee that if he said that in front of a
room full of people they'd look at him like he'd just announced his
upcoming breast-enhancement operation.
If
every couple made a decision,
rather than an assumption of which way the breadwinner/child-rearer
split was going to go, if there was no stigma or expectation attached
to that decision, I think we would have the best generation of
parents the world has ever seen. And they in turn would raise kids
who didn't feel those expectations, those limitations of gender. The
world needs people who
want to be themselves, and the sooner we stop hearing what we should
be, the closer we might get to
who we really are. Feminism is about choice: and when Jess makes that
choice, I don't want anyone to think they have the right to say 'it's just because
she's a woman'.
(DISCLAIMER when I talk about the breadwinner/child-rearer split I realise that's not the only option. There are lots of couples who effectively split both responsibilities and that is also beautiful and lovely.)
EDIT: Should have made this clearer, but as has just been pointed out, there is also the option to not have kids. This post is just a theoretical exploration of the decisions of those who do.
EDIT: Should have made this clearer, but as has just been pointed out, there is also the option to not have kids. This post is just a theoretical exploration of the decisions of those who do.